Monday, February 07, 2005

Diamonds Or Kittens?

Nathaniel asked me last night what I might like for my birthday. He then said, "Would you rather have something with four legs and furry or something hard and shiny?" In other words a cat or a diamond. When we go married we bought our rings at little shop in Asheville. Nothing expensive at all. In fact I can't wear my ring anymore because I'm allergic to the metal so I wear Nathaniel's. We were young and poor but madly in love. I would like to have a beautiful diamond ring one day. Nothing too fancy or expensive. I've told Nathaniel that I'd like to get matching rings for our 10th anniversary, thinking that by then we'd be able to afford something like that. After much thought I've decided against both. Instead I'd like to go to the dentist. A cat is too messy, plus we have one already. Diamonds are expensive and I'd rather wait until we can get matching rings. My teeth have suffered since I was pregnant. We've never had health or dental insurance, and since we've been married I've only seen a dentist twice. Once was a check-up, the other a filling. I've always had beautiful healthy teeth. Since my pregnancy, things have gone downhill. At that dental appointment I found out I have 6-7 cavities!!! A couple are visible. I also had a place where a prior filling had come out!! I was devastated. It's very embarrassing. I take really good care of my teeth. I brush twice a day and floss. I also use mouth wash, and still, I have cavities. Luckily, I've not suffered with pain from them, but I feel that if Nathaniel wants to spend money on me I'd rather it be something that I could really use at this point. I'd probably lose a diamond, and cats poop too much. Anyhoo. I'm counting my blessings. Nathaniel is the best thing to ever happen to me. I forget that sometimes and I hate myself for it. I love him more than I like to admit to myself. It (admitting to love) equates with vulnerability and letting go. You open yourself up to getting hurt and emotional pains are far worse and longer lasting than physical ones. I know I don't have to worry with him. But it's hard to let go completely. I'm trying and I'm making progress. Heck I just admitted that I love him to you...a complete stranger. I love my husband. That wasn't bad at all!! I would die for him, there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. And I know he feels the same.

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